Enwhitenment is to be found in many things. It is in recognizing that society cannot be changed, and so must be accepted for how it is, which is how it always has been. It is in recognizing the good from the bad. It is in always presenting the best attitude, unfettered by notions of social equity, justice or liberty. It is in understanding that the poverty of others is leisure is happiness, but that having money is perfectly fine too. It is in being one with yourself and the universe, and exchanging private tokens of cosmic love for infinite karmic gain. It is in embracing all of the world’s positive energies and ignoring it’s negativity. It is misunderstood and purely cosmetic Eastern theological concepts married to Western panache and corporatism!
HOW DO I ATTAIN ENWHITENMENT?
Attaining Enwhitenment is easy! Much easier than many would have you believe. Convenience is paramount; whoever said “No pain, no gain” was probably Unenwhitened.
ENWHITENMENT AND THE WORLD
Enwhitenment is all about making the world a better place by acting as if it’s a better place than it really is until it finally becomes that way some day in the distant future. It follows the cosmic principle of “Fake it til you make it!” Smiling, laughing and tactics like “paying it forward” are a few of the ways in which we accomplish this.
Some people tend to notice that the world has a lot of problems (if you haven’t noticed this, there’s a good chance you’re already Enwhitened!) Unfortunately, most of these problems are complex and would require a great deal of organization, genuine compassion, critical thought, hard work and a diversity of tactics to solve — not to mention the very real probability of there being violent resistence to these solutions from institutions that continue to profit from perpetuating the problems. In keeping with the natural law of inertia, the Enwhitened have realized that spending time trying to fix these problems is futile. Why change the world when it works at least partly well for a small number of people anyway? Much easier than fixing the world’s problems is fixing YOUR attitude and feelings about those problems.
A negative emotion is the result of chemicals in your brain, within your body, therefore it is YOU who are ultimately in control of them. If something bothers you, it’s your fault, so you’ll just need to work on your unsensitivity to it. There, problem solved!
NEGATIVE VS. POSITIVE EMOTIONS
Seekers of Enwhitenment strive to cut off all negative emotions and live in a permanent, fixed state of mostly positive vibes. Negative emotions (sadness, anger, anxiety, frustration) are emotions that, regardless of causation, make you feel bad, whereas positive emotions (happiness, short-term gratification) are emotions that make you feel good. Therefore, it follows that all negative emotions are inherently evil and it is our responsibility to do everything in our power to minimize, manage, or at least avoid them at all costs.
Positive emotions are the metric by which we can objectively measure the worth of basically everything. Things like war, disagreements, and boredom are bad, because they feel bad. Things like eating delicious food, wearing expensive clothing and playing video games are good, because they make you feel good. The greatness of any society directly correlates to the number of people living in that society who express that “they’re fine” according to statistics gathered by mildly frightening men and women in government uniforms and lab coats holding clip boards.
Bottom line: Learn to think primally, with your body instead of your head, and you can’t go wrong!
LETTING GO OF YOUR ANGER…
… basically means you must repress your anger. Repression has become a bit of an ugly word over the last several generations, due to connotations it began to accrue in the 1960s, associated with the rigid, almost mechanical mode of human life of America in the previous decade. In order to achieve Enwhitenment, however, it will be necessary to learn again to repress as much as possible so that no negativity whatsoever will trouble your psyche. We’ve devised a new phrase: “Letting go of anger”. This gives emotional repression a faint air of new age mysticism and spiritual wisdom that we’ve found really resonates with people. It also recalls the formula of the stages of grief that some people are vaguely aware of, implying that acceptance and moving on with life are the best immediate coping mechanism for any issue that presents itself, from sadness over the loss of a loved one to lifelong poverty to an abusive spouse. When in doubt: Be Chill.
While photographs of attractive models gently weeping on art blogs may be uniquely beautiful, real-life sadness is generally hideous and is therefore best avoided.
THE REVOLUTION WILL BE NICE
The one thing all bad people have in common is that they are mean, snide, sarcastic and tend to experience negative emotions more often than positive ones. All the good people are nice people, who will never hesitate to smile or offer words of empty encouragement.
Being nice is a way of life… it is the way of Enwhitenment. As long as you’re nice, you can do anything. The world will be your oyster! And, no matter what you do, if you’re nice, no one can ever not like you without coming off as not nice. People who are not nice are always wrong. Isn’t that nice?
HANDLING THE PROBLEMS OF OTHERS
One of the most important aspects of Enwhitenment is learning how to stop caring about the problems of others. The problems that other people have will sometimes be shared with you, which can, over time, eat away at the illusion of happiness and perpetual fulfillment you’ve worked so hard to maintain.
“But, if I stop caring about other people’s problems, won’t that make me seem less Enwhitened and more like… I’m just a callous, apathetic ass?”
Here is the most brilliant part: You can completely stop caring about other people’s problems, while pretending that you still do! You should pretend just enough that they will probably believe you, but not so much that you’re actually obligated to do anything for them in any way. A personal problem of any magnitude may require a remedial gesture, like a well-practiced feigned apology for whatever has occurred, but it is also likely you will need to distance yourself from the person immediately following their tragedy for the right length of time — just until they seem to have resolved the issue or their emotions about it. If asked, just pretend you were too busy to see them for the duration of their grief. They’ll understand, as most people in Enwhitened society have been taught from an early age to experience a deep and intense sense of shame and guilt for both feeling and sharing anything negative with anyone else, especially friends and family.
BUT, HOW CAN I STOP CARING?
The trick in eliminating concern (another negative emotion) is asking yourself, “by how many personal degrees am I connected to this problem?” If the answer is any number above 1, then you should definitely not care. For instance, if a friend were to approach you with the bad news that their mother had passed away.
Well, YOU didn’t die, so that’s a relief. And it wasn’t YOUR mother. Practice disregard by reciting this three-part mantra while imagining a friend has come to you with bad news:
1) “Oh, man…”
We tested a sampling of stock responses to personal tragedies and were able to conclude that those responses beginning with “Oh, man…” were the most effective at conveying empathy on a level that was relatable to almost anyone, while also not alienating them with an exaggerated show of emotion.
2) “That sucks…”
Nothing says “The weight of whatever it is you’re going through is way outside my frame of reference, dude” quite like the phrase “That sucks.” The longer you draw out the vowels, the more sincere it will sound.
3) “I’m really sorry to hear that.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that” is the jewel in the crown of Enwhitened grief response. On its face, it will be perceived as sympathetic, but all you’re actually saying, is “I’m sorry that you told me about your problems. Buzzkill.” “Thanks for reminding me that bad things happen, asshole.”
If things get too difficult, just let them know that they have it a lot better than some people do and that they should focus instead on the positive aspects of their life. Similarly, reminding people that no matter how bad things are, things could always be worse is an excellent method for distracting them from the fact that, typically, things could also be a lot better — a very useful tactic when you really need to drive home the point that no one should be bringing any of their negativity to your doorstep. As a bonus, it also inarguably reads as a genuine attempt at trying to help the other person cope instead of the cold and selfish diversion it truly is.
It’s very likely, after achieving Enwhitenment, you’ve come to the realization that it’s only ever white, hetero-sexual, cis-gendered males who spend any time complaining about the social issues of non-whites, homosexuals, those who identify as genderqueer, and women. Because you only listen to white, hetero-sexual cis-gendered male opinions on anything, this allows you the privilege of assuming everyone else is perfectly fine with the status quo!
THINGS TEND TO WORK OUT FOR THE BEST
Have you ever noticed how most problems seem to resolve themselves on their own when you try not to worry about them and just let things be? Some say it’s a conditioned perception of reality fostered by parents who preferred to do everything for their children themselves instead of raising them up to be capable of handling anything on their own. Some also say that it’s just because someone, or perhaps multiple others, stepped in to do what you were unable or unwilling to do out of laziness, habit or privilege. The Enwhitened, however, believe it is a sign of divine providence.
Scenario: The trash in the bin outside was getting full, and you heard the neighbors complaining about it, concerned about the smell, worried that perhaps the “trash service” had been cut off by your cheap landlord. You don’t worry. And, in a week, the trash is gone as if by magic. Privately, you knew all along that things would work out. Silly people, with their worries. If only they were Enwhitened.
Recognize that you are powerless to enact change in the world by yourself, and so it follows, too, that you should do what you can to disempower others who believe that they alone can enact change. Speak out against the organization of disempowered persons, as their actions are ineffective and their dreams impossible — or, if they seem invested, you can help them out by insisting they realize that their aims will only do more harm than good and refusing to participate as a last recourse. If that still doesn’t work, encourage them instead to come together to do something purely symbolic, like planting a personal garden, holding a vigil or protest, or asking that they call their state representatives.
State representatives and city council members are an excellent and indispensible resource for allaying the worries and concerns of your Unenwhitened brethren. Their job is to assure them that they are working around the clock to do something about things while effectively doing nothing.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
Never has a truer statement been uttered. Enwhitenment is the result of pure ignorance. It is always better to not think too hard about things.
It is important to distract yourself by always keeping busy. “Idle hands do the devil’s work”… Enwhitened society encourages spending the majority of one’s time doing mundane, repetitive tasks, to stave off the possibility of introspection. Introspection and observation are dangerous, as they allow for negative emotional energies to develop and grow in the psyche.
Keep an eye out for others who might frequently fall into a state of laxness or pause from labor, or who seem often lost in thought. They have a worrying tendency to create problems, which they then often share with others. If you notice any such persons, immediately direct them to resume staying busy — sometimes it may be necessary to manipulate their inborn sense of ethics about work to stimulate productivity.
DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS
While doing something that you reasonably suspect someone else will disapprove of, or before-hand if possible, think about how you might excuse what you’re doing or spin it so that it’s their fault instead. The less you are at fault, the closer to perfection you become.
THE REFUSAL OF FAULT
In becoming a perfect and Enwhitened individual, it is recommended you refuse all attempts by others to label you as possessing a human fault. It’s really rather simple, as our blessed English language has several words for nearly every possible personality trait; some that are negatively perceived and others that are more positively perceived. Let’s go over some exercises:
“Would you describe yourself as stubborn?”
No, I like to think I’m pretty flexible, I believe I can adapt to anything.
“So you’re pliable? Malleable? Easy to bend?”
No, I like to think I’ve got a pretty strong will, I don’t just follow the herd.
“So you’re a radical?”
No, I like to think I’m just an average person, moderation is my motto.
“So you’re boring?”
Nah, I like to think I’ve got a bit of a wild-streak.
“So you’re dangerous?”
Keep in mind that, in essence, saying you are a nice person is the same thing as actually being a nice person. No one can tell the difference. It’s important to remember, too, that you can be everything to everyone — thus, no one will be able to criticize or judge or dislike you without seeming like a terrible person themselves. As you’ll notice with most of the examples above, the key is in the use of the phrase: “I like to think I am”. It’s essentially saying, “I may or may not be, but whatever the case, here is the adjective I would egoistically prefer you associate with me.” — which others will ordinarily accept at face value as truth, even when blatantly contradicting other established facets of your personality.
All opinions are equally valid, and to become Enwhitened, you must learn to recognize that all are deserving of the utmost respect. The most respectable method for handling opinions you disagree with is to try and see things from their point of view. Failing that, as is often the case, it is perfectly fine to be diplomatic, insist on compromise or just agree to disagree. Examples of opinions include: scientific theories, racism, religious views, conspiracy theories, homophobia, and all political viewpoints ranging the spectrum from ultra-conservative republicanism to moderately ultra-conservative democraticism.
The great thing about the American Constitution is that we’ve been granted the absolute freedom to think whatever we want, however we want, unlike if we’d been living in the thought-policing nations of the past billion or so years. Thus, your opinions are yours to mold however seems most attractive. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume, for example, that scientists are correct about the damage we’re causing to the environment and about global warming, while simultaneously believing they must be lying to us about the health benefits of vaccination. Why? I dunno. It could be that they’re aliens! See how fun this is?
Because all opinions are valid, no one will be able to tell you you’re wrong. Because no one can tell you you’re wrong — you must always be right! This is yet another perk of attaining Enwhitenment.
That’s not to say some people aren’t wrong. They very much are. Usually, these are simply people who have not yet achieved an Enwhitened state of mind. They tend to express their opinions, usually on things like social issues, with unattractively negative emotions which they seem barely able to contain in your presence. When dealing with such a person it’s helpful to remind them that they shouldn’t be so negative and to try “letting go of their anger”. After all, as we like to say, “you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” — this riposte is an excellent tactic in dealing with negative persons, as it gives them the false hope that you’re capable of being convinced of the merit of their petty arguments if they’d just adjust their attitude. Of course, you aren’t, because you’re always right. 😉
Violence is always bad and the Enwhitened believe in total pacifism.
While the violence of states is horrible, it’s also easier to depersonalize. A person living next door could pass away peacefully and you may feel briefly saddened by their death. Your favourite cat could be run over by an automobile and your heart would be broken, moving you to consider holding a funeral service the following weekend and inviting everyone who knew the furball to come, eat concessions and share their memories. On the other hand, a thousand or more people could be brutally murdered overseas by an oppressive regime that was given arms and funded with American tax dollars, and even if you were somehow personally responsible for it, you’ll find it’s just too hard to care very much, or even comprehend it. This is natural. Not as easy is ignoring the retaliatory violence of marginalized and oppressed groups in your general vicinity. It is while among them that you may often find it necessary to openly criticize the negativity and use of violence they might engage in.
If, during a peaceful protest you’ve accidentally involved yourself in, the police start battering the protesters, make sure to openly decry anyone who fights back in self-defense. One useful tactic for curbing the violence of the masses against the paid wards of the elites is by frequently insisting that any violence from “our” side will just legitimize further violence against “us”, and turn away the public’s sympathies to “our” causes. That the public is uninformed and has been by most counts completely numb and apathetic to nearly everything for almost a century will tend to go unaddressed.
It’s also likely you’ll meet people who despise the police, possibly having had close friends or family members beaten, harassed or even killed by the police. If so, it may be necessary to remind them frequently that not all police officers are bad people; in fact, the majority of them are just following orders and trying to make a living. Surely, they wouldn’t want an officer of the law having to struggle financially to the same extent as they do, particularly given their selfless service and dedication to their country’s government and corporations. Thus, they are certainly deserving of mutual respect, probably even more so than any of the activists you know, since it’s easier by far to assume that many of them are not even half as productive as they could be. Don’t be fooled: despite being called activists, very few are actually as continually active as you would expect. Even less make any money doing it, further lessening their worth to society.
ISN’T IT TRUE THAT THE WEALTHIEST SECTOR OF THE POPULATION IS CAUSING MOST OF THE PROBLEMS?
But, it’s ok, because we’ve devised clever ways to make others think we’re part of the solution while at the same time denigrating the real victims of capitalist economic instability, austerity measures and widespread ecological destruction. The best part is that all it takes is money!
The private sector has many available options for those who are trying to go for the sexy “I care about the world around me” look that is so crucial to maintaining an aura of Enwhitenment. Go shopping for at least 75% of your groceries at markets that sell high-dollar “green”, “natural” or “free-trade” alternatives to the cheap, industrialized food that poorer people necessarily subsist on with such little regard for their personal health and well-being. Buy and have solar panels installed in your home to save money, er, save the environment. Buy a hybrid car or, for laughs, be seen driving around in a fully electric contraption. Bicycles are great exercise, allowing you to project an athletic appearance that matches perfectly with your new found smug self-assurance. If that seems a bit much, just get a gym membership. An integral aspect of Enwhitenment is always projecting an image of health. If you look healthy, you are healthy. If you are attractive, people are over three times as likely to believe anything you say.
“Sustainability” is perhaps the most prevalent buzzword among the hip and Enwhitened today. Community sustainability is maybe a bit too challenging to the status quo, but personal, private sustainability for those with enough capital to allow them the privilege is perfectly acceptable.
Now, if anyone points their finger at you, you can relish your superiority as you tell them of all the things you’re doing to help us all by helping yourself, while simultaneously laying the blame squarely on the shoulders of those who are too poor to reasonably afford your meaningless lifestyle choices and who are certainly not living sustainably.
It’s all leading to a brave new world, a perfect and utopian society in which the Enwhitened and privileged will be able to privately hire droves of poor and disempowered beggars to make them filthy rich while productively destroying the environment; money they can then use to pay for ever-more elaborate and gratifying ways to rescue it.
WHY GET INVOLVED IN SOCIAL STRUGGLES AT ALL?
Social movements are great places to hang out and meet new people! Involving yourself in the struggles of marginalized groups can be awkward and difficult for the Enwhitened at first, but can also become very rewarding. Much like how volunteer work looks good on a resume, activism can make you seem more compassionate, involved with the plights of those beneath you and dedicated to something larger than yourself, even if you’re covertly serving no one BUT yourself.
When getting involved, try to come in and take charge. It’s important to be confident, but you may find that those who’ve already established firm friendships and working relations with each other in the movement before you arrived can have trouble being as inclusive of you as you’d prefer. It helps to casually and vaguely allude to years of experience you don’t actually possess in activism and agitation. As soon as you’re in, it’s time to begin the work of delegating passive, supportive roles and tasks to others while focusing your attentions on maximizing your own visibility by engaging the media at every opportunity. Dissuade others from doing anything too dangerous that could get you in trouble. Above all, have fun! The great thing about social struggles is that, unlike a job or school or mandatory court-ordered community service, they have no power to compel you to stick around for longer than you feel is necessary. You don’t even need to let anyone know you won’t be showing up anymore! Of course, if anyone asks, just smile and inform them that you’ll be too busy for whatever events or actions they’ve planned. Try to time bailing out as close as possible to the date you’ll be needed so that it seems more sincere. Eventually, they’ll get the message, and your reputation won’t suffer any serious harm — nobody cares what these people think.
SHOULD I VOTE?
We suggest not really doing anything to change the world, while at the same time doing only the bare minimum necessary to make everyone else believe you are involved in doing what you can to change the world — besides protest, voting is one of the best ways we’ve come up with for doing just that! It’s really simple and only requires one irritating day every few years of filling out a ballot and putting it through a machine. Don’t worry too much about how it’s filled out, it won’t be counted anyway. Then, whatever happens, you’ve done your part and participated to the fullest extent expected by the democratic republic! Go you!
If you’re sick and tired of working at a multi-million dollar corporation, just get a job at a different multi-million dollar corporation! Or, start your own, silly!
Owning a small business can also be a fun passtime, as they give you a way to involve yourself in providing your community with goods and services they won’t be able to afford. They also tend to cause others to perceive you as someone who has cool ideas and who’s got it together. This is always important in maintaining an aura of Enwhitenment.
Owning your own small business also makes you objectively more important than everyone else living in your community, since the profitability of your business will be considered one of the most efficient ways of measuring the overall health and success of the community you’re operating or even living within. If you can’t seem to make any money, remember, it’s not your fault! It’s usually the result of too many poor people living in your area who haven’t yet been wiped away by gentrification. Beware of people who expect you to hire them at a rate of pay anywhere above the minimum wage — that’s high enough as it is (I mean, don’t these people know about inflation!?).
Remember: State capitalism is the best system we have, otherwise no one would have voted for it. All potential wants and desires can be met by state capitalism. No other wants or desires are possible, and even if they were, surely the market will be capable of figuring out a way to provide them for you some day.
WHAT ARE LIFE HACKS?
Put simply, life hacks can best be defined as a method for leveraging your privilege to achieve your desired goals.
As people who’ve attained Enwhitenment, we cannot openly condone privilege among others (minorities, anyway) and must occasionally act as if we were unaware of its existence… but, why have it at all if we can’t at least have fun with it?
If anyone attempts to out you as possessing privilege of any kind, ask yourself: have I ever had any minute hardships or troubles in life? Mentioning these will instantly refute their allegations.
The secret is, if you’re Enwhitened, all you have to do is want something with all of your being, and it will be yours. Don’t keep it to yourself, though. Make sure everyone in your life knows how badly you want it. Provide access to information and resources that will allow others to provide you with the object of your desire. Most importantly, schedule passive/aggressive fits and tantrums that’s root cause can be tersely revealed to those attempting to handle you as still not having gotten that thing you wanted.
In time, the cosmos will ensure you’ll receive it.
Then, you can just pick a new thing that you want and start the process all over again.
THE WORLD IS A PLAY
It exists for you to observe and amuse yourself with. And, like a play, or television show or film, you may at times feel caught up in it, but you can always take a step back and remember that none of it is real to you.
GETTING THE RIGHT LOOK
The Enwhitened can come in many standard and conventionally attractive shapes and sizes, but all do have certain common traits.
1) A bright, artificially whitened smile full of teeth.
2) Eyes filled with child-like stupidity.
3) Well-groomed hair.
4) A healthy tan, opting for a pallid, yet blemish-free dermis for those who burn too easily.
5) Nice, high-quality clothes.
6) An overall appearance of health.
8) Alpha qualities.
9) Money, or at least, expensive possessions and a pile of debt.
The scientists who aren’t liars have uncovered proof that smoking marijuana doesn’t have to just be about getting high and feeling good — it also cures everything! Once you’re Enwhitened, you don’t need expensive pharmaceuticals any more. If you smoke pot, you will never die.
Those of us who are Enwhitened understand that every baby and even some small children have been gifted with all of the knowledge of the cosmos. They are our greatest teachers, possessing indominable egos and a nearly complete lack of regard for the feelings of others.
Turn that frown upside-down! It’s important to always be smiling. Studies by actual scientists suggest that people who are happy frequently smile and have increased health attributes that contribute to a longevity your sad, Unenwhitened friends will be unable to enjoy. Logically, then, smiling is guaranteed to make you feel better, and BE better. It shows others that, despite anything that could conceivably be going to shit in the world or in your personal life, you are capable of calmly and confidently sweeping it all under a rug for the sake of exuding a friendly and pleasant social demeanor — a very attractive feature that you will find draws the positive attentions of everyone else in the world like a magnet! No one can resist a smile.
Frowning, on the other hand, tends to repel everyone around you. Frowning, or any state of rested face, let’s others know that you may have insecurities, an unpleasant life situation, or that you may be secretly unhealthy or possess negative emotional energies. They will be sure to avoid you for fear of exposure or being dragged into it with you.
HAVE YOU FOUND TRUE LOVE?
The surest signs of true love are persistent happiness, a total lack of negative emotional fields, compatible birth signs, non-creepiness, compatible credit scores, unwavering life-long sexual attraction and perfect agreement on all things between two or more people. Anything less, and it is not true love, and is not worth your time — unless the other person is really, really hot, in which case you can ignore most of the above.
COSMIC LOVE BEAMS
A mounting body of evidence suggests that all of the bad things that happen in the entire world are the direct result of not enough people shooting positive vibes into the atmosphere. You can do your part to remedy this by once a day performing this simple exercise.
1) Close your eyes.
2) Take a deep breath.
3) Imagine an aura of rainbows surrounding you, filling your whole body with love and light.
4) Imagine the aura growing, until it fills the room.
5) Breathe some more.
6) Now imagine it rising, shooting up into the sky, to the stars above.
LOVING EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
Loving everyone in the world is one of the most important parts of being Enwhitened. It is one of the few responsibilities that Enwhitenment entails. If you love everyone — or, more importantly, tell others frequently that you do (same thing) — then it stands to reason that no one will be able to accuse you of anger, hate, spite or any other negative emotional state and will find your Enwhitenment more convincing.
Loving everyone takes practice, but we’ve compiled some useful tips:
1) When attempting to love all the people in the world, it helps to not think of any one particular person, but to imagine ‘people’ as more of an abstract concept.
2) If you ARE tempted to think of individual persons, try to focus on ones you don’t know personally, particularly those who you think have probably made positive contributions to society and possessed no ugly human faults (Carl Sagan, Ghandi) or people who’s personas you find sexually attractive (Johnny Depp, Zooey Deschanel). Otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for failure.
YOGA AND ITS USES
Yoga is a fashionable and frequently utilized method for achieving Enwhitenment. It is defined as an elaborate system of stretching and squatting that keeps you limber while also helping to clear your mind of all of the clutter and unimportant trivialities of your life, refocusing it onto pleasurable sexual fantasies involving the better looking people in your yoga class.
EMPTYING THE MIND
The most Enwhitened among us are the ones who’ve mastered the art of clearing the mind completely. This means not thinking. Wisdom and happiness are to be found in not really considering the world around you as anything with depth or meaning. It also helps in building a foundation of wordly understanding based on absolutes, easy-to-remember cliches’ and simple alliterative verse.